


Choices All Around Me (but which one is mine)

by Hale_12 (haley_pimley), haley_pimley



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Boys Kissing, Child Abuse, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hangover, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kinda, Moritz is sad and pining, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Party Games, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:49:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haley_pimley/pseuds/Hale_12, https://archiveofourown.org/users/haley_pimley/pseuds/haley_pimley
Summary: Moritz really wanted to believe he led a perfectly normal life. He had a decent friend-group, a best friend whom he cared about, and had even been asked out by a girl. He didn’t believe it though. His home life was terrible, to say the least, he was harbouring feelings and quietly pining for his best friend, he didn’t like girls, and everything made him panic. He accepted his life was not perfect or normal and he lived with it.Moritz pining for Melchior in high school.
Relationships: Hanschen Rilow/Ernst Robel, Martha Bessell/Thea, Melchior Gabor/Moritz Stiefel, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Otto Lammermeier/Georg Zirschnitz, Wendla Bergmann/Ilse Neumann, Wendla Bergmann/Melchior Gabor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first multi-chapter fic! I will add trigger warnings for any chapter that needs them. I hope you enjoy this fic. 
> 
> The title from the song Imagine If written by John Gallagher Jr.

Moritz really wanted to believe he led a perfectly normal life. He had a decent friend-group, a best friend whom he cared about, and had even been asked out by a girl. He didn’t believe it though. His home life was terrible, to say the least, he was harbouring feelings and quietly pining for his best friend, he didn’t like girls, and everything made him panic. He accepted his life was not perfect or normal and he lived with it. 

A piercing sound startled him from his dream. He groaned and rolled over. 5:45 a.m. First day of private school. He got out of bed and went into the bathroom. The mirror stares back at him. His chocolate brown curly hair was sticking up everywhere and his blue eyes looked foggy. Even though he slept nine hours he still possessed dark circles. He looked away and quickly got dressed in his navy blue uniform. He grabbed his school stuff and ran out of the house before his dad could see him, he didn’t want the judgment. Moritz began his walk to the Gabor household. 

Moritz and Melchior had been friends for seven years. They met when they were eight and Moritz had scraped his knee. Melchior found him in the field and walked him to the infirmary. Moritz told him he could go but Melchior wouldn’t leave. They have been inseparable since. It was about a year into their friendship that Moritz realized he liked Melchior as more than a friend. So, he has spent the last five years harbouring feelings for his best friend. 

Moritz knocked on the Gabor's door.

“ Moritz how are you?” Frau Gabor asked. 

“ I’m well. Is Melchior ready?” Moritz asked and smiled. 

Frau Gabor called Melchior and asked Moritz if he wanted something to eat. Moritz politely shook his head and waited for Melchior to come downstairs. Moritz looked up to see a thin boy with shaggy brunette hair and bright green eyes. Moritz felt his breathing hitch and his heart start beating faster. Melchior saw him staring and gave him a small smile. Moritz smiled back and felt a blush creep up his cheek. Melchior descended the stairs and grabbed his bag.  
“ We should get going,” Melchior stated, grabbing Moritz by the hand and dragging him towards the door. Before Frau Gabor could say anything, they were out the door. Melchior’s hand lingered before he finally let go. 

They have a long walk so Melchior starts asking questions about Moritz’s summer. Moritz gave one-word answers and decided to ask questions of his own. 

“ Did you do anything interesting?” Moritz asked. He was expecting a dull story about summer camp instead Melchior replied, “ Yeah. I lost my virginity.” Moritz was shocked. That was the last thing he thought would be said. 

“ Really? What happened?” 

“ I met this girl named Wendla. She goes to an all-girls school. You might know her, she’s friends with Ilse.” Melchior said. Moritz nodded. Wendla and Ilse are close friends so Moritz got to know her. She has wavy brunette hair and chocolate brown eyes. “ She is definitely Melchior type,” Moritz thought while Melchior continued with his story.

“ I was at my tree one day when she appeared. She was collecting flowers for her mother when she found me. I invited her to sit and that was one it all started…” Moritz couldn’t listen anymore. He heard something about her handing him a switch but he was too lost in thought to comprehend what was being said. He knew the day would come when Melchior got interested in girls. Moritz just couldn’t believe it was happening now. He had always had this fantasy that Melchior would realize he had feelings for him and they would get together. He fantasized that Melchior would be all of his firsts. He knew it was childish but he really wanted to believe it. Moritz heard the tone in Melchior’s voice that meant he was almost done talking. He zoned in enough to hear that Melchior had lost his virginity in the hayloft while everyone else was at church. Just as the silence became uncomfortable they rounded the corner towards the school. They made it to the office and picked up their schedules. They had all of their classes together except for last period. Melchior had band practice and Moritz had it free. 

The first half of the day went smoothly without any big hiccups. Finally, it was lunch and Moritz made his way towards his friends. At the table sat Martha, a quiet girl with brown hair that was always braided, Ilse, a very close friend of Moritz who had long auburn hair and an unusual obsession with pirates, to her right was Hanschen, a know-it-all with blonde hair. Next to him sat Ernst, a quiet boy with short black hair, next to him sat Anna, Georg, Otto, and Thea, who were new this year. Lastly, there was Melchior and Moritz. The group was introduced to Anna, Georg, Otto, and Thea. Then they talked about what happened over the summer. Ilse told the table about Melchior and Wendla. Melchior launched into the story. Soon lunch was over and they all went their separate ways. 

Moritz exited seventh-period English ready to go home and sleep. He then realized that Melchior still had a class. He knew he didn’t have to wait but something possessed him to sit by his locker and wait the hour and a half. Moritz decided his time would be well spent trying to accomplish homework. He tried to focus until Ernst came over and sat next to him. 

“ Hey. What are you still doing here?” Ernst asked. 

“ Waiting for Melchior.” 

“ Really. How is he?” Ernst smirked. 

“ He’s fine. Why do you ask?” 

“ Well, I assumed you stopped pining for him and tell him how you feel,” Ernst stated. 

“ What do you mean? I’m not pining for him,” Moritz said slightly panicked. 

“ Calm down I’m just joking,” Ernst said, putting a friendly hand on top of Moritz’s. Ernst saw Hanschen exit his classroom and scrambled up. 

“ It’s obvious how you feel about Melchior. Maybe you should talk to him. I’ll see you tomorrow, Okay,” Ernst said softly. He then turned and ran to Hanschen. Moritz was too caught in thought to notice Melchior stride over. 

“ What are you still doing here?” Melchior asked. 

“ I waited for you,” Moritz admitted. Melchior smiled and said, “ you didn’t have too.” Moritz just nodded and collected his stuff. 

They started their walk to Melchior’s house. Moritz listened to Melchior’s stories but he couldn’t stop thinking about what Ernst had said. When they made it to Melchior’s house he was invited in, but he declined. Moritz wished Melchior a good evening and started his walk home. He let himself dwell on what Ernst had said. “ Was it that obvious that he was harbouring feelings for Melchior,” he thought. It wasn’t his fault that he got lost in the greenness of his eyes, or how his voice soothed Moritz’s worries, or how his touch set fires on Moritz’s skin. It wasn’t his fault that he was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Melchior. 

“ Oh no,” he thought. Moritz sprinted the rest of the way home. Once he made it he ran to his room and laid down on the bed. “ This is going to be one hell of a year,” he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's homecoming week and some things are found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying it so far. I will try to create a consistent posting schedule. I know I said I wanted this to be written in canon era but technically this chapter was not. First of all, gay wasn't a term used to mean a male attracted to another male. That use of the word gay wasn't patterned until the 20th century, so he would have that meant happy. Another fun fact, the word homosexual, was coined in a german pamphlet in 1869. That is only a few years before Melchior and Moritz were born. Also crepe paper and glitter also came later in the 1900s. So this chapter isn't canon era even though I wanted it to be.

He couldn’t believe it was already homecoming week. The first weeks of school had flown by. Moritz would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous, but then again he was always nervous. His friends decided they wanted to go to the dance as a group. Unfortunately, everyone within the group was dating. Hanschen and Ernst got together over the summer. Thea and Martha hit it off and were now dating. Otto and Georg had been dating for years. Melchior had tried to get Wendla to go with him but she told him that she was more interested in girls and Ilse already asked her and she said yes. Melchior decided to ask Anna because she didn’t have a date; she said yes. In the end, Moritz was the only one without a date. Melitta had asked Moritz to the dance but he declined. He couldn’t bear spending the night with a girl he didn’t even like. Even though they were going as a group he knew he would sit at the table all night. 

Melchior and Moritz were out shopping; Moritz had bought the first suit he tried on, but Melchior wanted the perfect one. So now Moritz was sitting in a chair watching Melchior pose in different suits. He always asked how he looked and Moritz always replied with good, because honestly, he believed Melchior looked good in everything. After an hour Melchior finally bought a suit. It was navy blue paired with a peach-coloured tie to match Anna’s dress. Moritz thought he looked great but he couldn’t help the pang of jealousy he felt because Melchior was going with Anna. They stopped by the food court and chatted about the dance. Melchior kept asking about why Moritz didn’t have a date. He just shrugged and said he didn’t want one.  
“ But why?” Prodded Melchior. Moritz was starting to panic. He knew he was gay but he hasn’t told anyone. Moritz didn’t know why he hadn't come out yet. He knew his friends would support him; he was just scared. Moritz realized that Melchior was still talking to him.  
“...Melitta’s cute and she asked you to the dance,” Melchior explained. Moritz nodded faintly and stared at the floor. He didn’t know how much longer he could listen to Melchior without getting upset. Moritz interrupted Melchior and asked. “ Can we talk somewhere?” Melchior noticed the distress in his voice and nodded. They grabbed their bags and left the mall. 

They walked for what seemed like forever. A tense silence falling over them. Soon they were entering the woods. Melchior dragged him to a big oak tree and sat down. Moritz hesitantly sat down across from him. Melchior looked up towards the sky and said, “ this is where I come whenever I need to get away. I like to sit against this tree and dream. When you lie here, such a strange, wonderful peace settles over you. What was it you wanted to say?” Moritz took a deep breath and said, “ There is a reason I don’t want a date.”  
“ Okay. Why?” Asked Melchior.  
“ Melchi —the old nickname gave him some sort of courage— I..um...I don’t know how to say this..um...well...I’m gay,” Moritz stuttered out. He didn’t want to face Melchior so he turned away. He didn’t want to see the judgment his friend was sure to have. Moritz felt utterly panicked but also slightly liberated. He finally told someone and the world hasn’t ended; yet. He just really hoped that Melchior would accept him; he didn’t know if he could live without his best friend and he didn't want to find out. All of a sudden Moritz felt a hand on his. He looked over and Melchior pulled him to his chest. Moritz didn’t want to cry but he felt the tears brimming in his eyes and soon he was sobbing.  
“ Shh..you are okay. I’m here for you,” Melchior murmured, holding Moritz closer to his chest as his sobs rang through the air. They stayed like that until Moritz ran out of tears. Eventually, Melchior walked Moritz home and said he was proud of him. Moritz went to bed that night feeling free. 

As the week wore on he told more and more friends about himself. They were all extremely supportive and congratulated him. Soon it was the day of homecoming. Melchior and Moritz spent all day together before getting ready. As they changed, Moritz kept sneaking looks at Melchior. He couldn’t help it. He looked good—he always did—but the suit fit him nicely and the peach-coloured tie brought out his eyes. Moritz knew he looked bland next to Melchior. His suit was all black paired with black shoes and a black tie. They took pictures, just the two of them then went to Ilse’s house for group photos. 

After an hour-long photo shoot, they finally started to drive to the school. Moritz was nervous. He didn’t know why but he was. He knew he would spend the night at the table nursing a cup of punch. Part of him wished someone would spike the punch. Just so there could be a bit of spontaneity. He didn’t know if he could sit by himself all night. 

They arrived at the school and everyone quickly got with their date. Moritz stood awkwardly to the side as they headed inside. The gym was dark with Christmas lights along the walls. Strips of black and white crepe paper were hanging in the doorways. Half of the gym was covered with tables sprinkled with glitter, the other half was full of people dancing. The group made their way to an empty table. Ernst, Hanschen, Ilse, and Wendla were already heading for the dance floor. Moritz sat down as the rest of the group went their separate ways. Moritz looked around. Everyone looked like they were having a great time; they were smiling and laughing. Moritz saw Anna whisper something in Melchior’s ear and move away. Melchior nodded and started towards the table. Moritz made himself look busy by playing with the edge of the tablecloth. 

“ How’s your night?” Melchior questioned, placing a hand on Moritz’s shoulder. 

“ Fine. Where did Anna go?” 

“ She told me that she wanted to dance with Bobby Maler,” Melchior stated, with a shrug.

“ She ditched you!” Moritz exclaimed. 

“ Yup, but it’s fine. I get to spend more time with you,” Melchior declared with a smile. Moritz smiled back and felt a slight blush creep up his neck. Melchior sat down and asked,

“ What have you been doing?” 

“ Watching,” 

“ Yeah. What are you watching?” Melchior asked as he leaned closer to Moritz, resting his face in his hands. Moritz turned in his chairs so his knees touched Melchior’s. 

“ People,” Moritz answered. 

“ Hmm. What did you notice?” Melchior asked. 

“ Everyone seems really happy,” Moritz responded turning away. Melchior gave him a quizzical look and asked,

“ Well, aren’t you happy?” Moritz met his eye and gave a shrug. Before Moritz could change the subject, Melchior grabbed his hand and pulled him from the chair. 

“ What are you doing?” Moritz asked.

“ We’re going to dance,” Melchior stated and started to drag Moritz to the dance floor. Moritz let himself get pulled. 

When they made it to the dance floor the song changed to a slow, sombre number. Melchior put his hands on Moritz's hips and started to sway slowly. Moritz stood there with wide eyes. Melchior leaned in and whispered, 

“ put your hands on my shoulders.” Moritz did as he was told. They began to sway slowly to the music. They stayed like that through many songs. It was then that Moritz realized that he couldn’t keep his feelings to himself much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and as always, thoughts and criticism are welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I officially decided that this is not written in canon era. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Trigger Warning: Mentions of child abuse, panic attacks, underage drinking.

Weeks turned into months and soon it was October. Everyone was excited because Halloween was in a week. Moritz loved Halloween. It was a day when he could hide who he was and forget about his problems. What he wasn’t excited about was the fact that Ilse was throwing a party and forcing him to go. He was thinking about telling Ilse no when he heard a loud bang on his desk. He looked up to find Herr Sonnenstich standing in front of his desk holding a wooden dowel.

“ Are you listening, Herr Stiefel?” He questioned.

“ Yes...sir,” Moritz answered shakily.

“ Good. Continue the passage,” Herr Sonnenstich stated. Moritz began to read.

“Litora….um... multum enim,” Moritz stuttered out.

“ Enim?” Herr Sonnenstich questioned.

“ Uh... Multum olim,” Moritz guessed.

“ Olim! Multum Olim!,” Herr Sonnenstich said outraged. Before Moritz could redeem himself, he felt a sharp pain on his wrist. Then another on his chest. When Moritz realized it was Herr Sonnenstich, he stood up straighter. He learned with his father that if he shrunk away he would only be hit harder. He was expecting another hit when he heard Melchior stand up. Moritz was only half comprehending what was being said, but he knew Melchior was sticking up for him. He was watching his wrist turn from pale white to a painful red when he heard Melchior shriek in pain. He looked over to see Melchior get hit three more times; Herr Sonnenstich was going for a fourth but the bell rang. 

Moritz rushed out of the classroom and into the bathroom. The panic was rising in his chest, his heart rapidly beating. His hands were tingling and his head foggy. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath and his body shivered. His thoughts were racing. “ Why can’t I be normal? Why does this always happen? Why, why, why?!” His head screamed. He sat on the cold marble shrinking against the wall when he heard the door open. He looked up to see a dishevelled looking Melchior.

“ Are you okay?” Moritz asked through ragged breaths, recollecting Melchior being hit.

“ I could ask you the same,” Melchior retorted.

“ I’m...fine,” Moritz murmured, starting to rise from the floor. His eyes blurred and his head fogged. His heart was beating so hard he believed it would jump from his chest. He tried to discreetly check his pulse but Melchior grabbed his hand before he could.

“ Moritz, what’s wrong?” Melchior questioned.

“ Nothing... I’m… I’m…fine,” Moritz muttered, going to pull his hand away but decided against it.

“ You’re not fine. I saw you in that classroom he hit you, hard, and you didn’t even flinch,” Melchior stated.

“Fewer hits if you stand still,” Moritz rushed out without thinking.

“ What, who told you that,” Melchior asked softly.

“ Nobody,” Moritz whispered.

“ Moritz, tell me what's wrong. You are not okay.” Melchior demanded gently. Moritz wasn’t ready for that. He knew he could tell Melchior anything but this was just too much. It wasn’t that long ago he came out, and he didn’t want to push his limit with Melchior. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“ I have to go,” Moritz said in a high stressed voice. He got up trying to regain his balance. He staggered to the door, his breaths coming a mile a minute.

“ Moritz! Moritz, wait!” Melchior called out to him. Moritz kept walking; he didn’t want Melchior to see the tears fall from his eyes.

Moritz entered his house. His heartbeat wouldn’t slow down, and he decided home would be the best place. His house was silent, and he knew he had a few hours before anyone was home. Moritz went up to his room and lied down. He studied his very few personal objects. He had a picture of himself and Melchior on his night stand. A lamp and a couple of books on his desk. He had a small drawer filled with clothes and that was it. He liked having few objects just in case he had to leave, which he planned on doing as soon as he could. Moritz had started to drift to sleep when he heard a knock on his window. He opened his eyes to see Ernst and Ilse waiting to be let in. Moritz made his way over and opened the window.

“ What are you guys doing here?” Moritz asked as they climbed through the window.

“ The party is tonight. We had to make sure you were going,” Ilse explained.

“ I’m not in the mood for a party,” Moritz explained.

“ Well get in the mood. You’re going,” Ilse stated heading over to his small drawer. Moritz just huffed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to change their minds.

“ What happened with Melchior?” Ernst asked.

“ Nothing,” Moritz said, turning away.

“ Really, because Melchior was really upset this afternoon,” Ernst said. Moritz continued to stare out the window. He watched a butterfly jump from flower to flower. Sometimes he wished he was a butterfly. It must be awfully sweet to be that free. He knew Ernst wanted an explanation, but he didn’t have it in him. He stood up and walked over to where Ilse was digging through his drawer.

“ This is supposed to be a costume party but it’s fine,” Ilse said, tossing him a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt. Moritz headed to the bathroom and quickly got changed. While there, he heard Ilse and Ernst whispering. They thought Melchior and Moritz should just get together already.

“ It’s not that easy,” thought Moritz. He wished it was but it wasn’t. He couldn’t just tell Melchior how he felt. That was risking years of friendship and the one person who actually cared about him. Moritz opened the door and stepped out. He quietly looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was a mess as always, and his skin ghostly pale. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in weeks and honestly he felt the same.

“ You look great. Let's go,” Ilse said, ushering him out of the room.

When they made it to Ilse’s house, everyone was already drunk. They made their way towards the kitchen for drinks. He was handed a beer and retreated towards the corner of the room. Ilse and Ernst joined him, but he could tell they wanted to be dancing with friends.

“ Go find Wendla and Hanschen. I’ll be okay,” Moritz said.

“ It’s fine we can stay,” Ernst replied, looking over at Ilse who nodded.

“ Go have fun. I’ll see if Melchior’s around,” Moritz stated. Ernst and Ilse nodded and set down their drinks. They reluctantly made their way into the crowd. Moritz leaned against the counter and stared at the mass of people dancing.

“ If they can have fun, so can I,” thought Moritz. He downed the rest of his beer and grabbed another. He made his way into the crowd looking for anyone he knew.

Moritz didn't know how much time had passed, but he had been dancing with Ilse and Wendla for a while. He knew he was on his third or fourth beer and was starting to feel the effects. The stress in his body was gone. His heartbeat was slow and he felt tired. For once, he felt happy to be out with his friends. All of a sudden the music cut out and a young man was standing on a nearby table.

“ Game of spin the bottle in the living room!” He shouted. 

The music resumed as they made their way to the other room. Moritz was wedged between Ilse and Ernst and across from Melchior. Moritz looked around the circle, everyone was drunk and loud. Everyone except Melchior, it seemed. He sat still and looked around the circle. Moritz had never seen Melchior not get drunk at a party. The boy who announced the game gave an empty wine bottle to the kid in front of him and the game began. Moritz watched as the bottle spun and people kissed. Soon it was Ilse’s turn. The bottle spun three times before landing on Wendla. She blushed and moved to the centre of the circle. The kiss was gentle and chaste. They moved back to their spots in the circle and it was Moritz’s turn. He spun the bottle and held his breath. It seemed like it wouldn’t stop spinning but soon it did on Melchior. Moritz looked up to see a smirk on Melchior's face. He wanted to say no. That he wouldn’t kiss his best friend. But a part of him wanted to, and he was drunk enough to let that part take over. So instead of saying no, he moved to the centre of the circle. Melchior followed suit and was soon in front of him. Melchior started to lean in and Moritz closed his eyes. But a kiss never came. Instead, Melchior whispered in his ear,

“ I’m not going to kiss you. You’re drunk and deserve a better first kiss then that.” Melchior retreated back to his seat while Moritz opened his eyes and just stared. 

He realized everyone was looking at him, so he crawled back to his seat. The bottle was passed to Ernst and nobody questioned why they didn’t kiss. Moritz was zoned out for the rest of the game. He was thinking about what Melchior had said. Did Melchior want to kiss him when he was sober? Did Melchior just say that so Moritz wouldn’t feel bad? He had so many unanswered questions that he felt his head was going to explode. Soon the game was over and people started to leave. Moritz got up from the floor but was unbalanced on his feet. Melchior noticed and put an arm around his waist.

“ I’ll walk you home,” Melchior said. Moritz was so lost in the feeling of Melchior's arm around his waist that he just nodded.

When they arrived at Moritz’s house they ascended the stairs as quietly as they could. Melchior brought Moritz to his bed. He noticed the picture of them on the night stand and smiled. He laid Moritz down and removed his shoes. He put a blanket on Moritz and started to shuffle around the room. Moritz wanted to ask what he was doing but couldn’t find his voice. Instead, he fell asleep to Melchior humming softly as he exited the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Moritz woke as the sun streamed through his window. The light hurt his eyes and his head was pounding. He wanted to get up but his body was sore and he didn’t have the energy. He willed himself to roll over and was met with a glass of water. Next to the glass were two white pills and a slip of paper. He unfolded the paper and it read,

**Good Morning,**

**I left you a glass of water and some aspirin, you’ll want it. If you can drag yourself from your bed I’m home all day. Come visit.**

**Melchior**

Moritz smiled. He popped the pills in his mouth and took a sip of water. He didn’t realize how thirsty he was and downed the entire glass. He laid back down and closed his eyes, waiting for the aspirin to kick in.

When the migraine resided enough that Moritz could open the shades, he got dressed. He made it to Melchior’s and knocked on the door. Melchior was the one to answer, explaining that his parents were on a trip. Moritz looked him over. It was rare to see him in day clothes. His jeans stopped above his ankles, leading to his bare feet. He was wrapped in an oversized navy sweater, with his glasses hanging low on his nose. Melchior was self-conscious about his glasses so he usually wore contacts. While looking Melchior over, he was ushered upstairs and into Melchior's room. He sat on the floor and Melchior sat in front of him, observing.

“You look terrible,” Melchior stated.

“ Thanks,” Moritz deadpanned. Melchior gave a small smile and asked,

“How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better,”

“Was that your first time getting drunk?” Moritz nodded.

“Do you remember anything?” Melchior asked. If Moritz didn’t know better he sounded almost nervous. Moritz hadn’t thought about last night’s party. He remembered dancing with Ilse and Wendla. He remembered a young man shouting on a table. Then he remembered the game of spin the bottle. He remembered the bottle landing on Melchior and wanting to kiss him. He also remembered Melchior refusing to kiss him.

“I remember a little,” Moritz said.

“Like what?” Melchior asked nonchalantly.

“I remember dancing with Ilse and Wendla. I also remember playing spin the bottle,” Moritz stated

“You do?” Questioned Melchior. Moritz nodded and saw the slight panic in Melchior’s eye. That was odd, Melchior was never panicked. As Moritz paid more attention he realized a lot of unusual things about Melchior today. His usual air of self-righteous confidence was gone. The icy glint in his eye was gone too; and replaced by what Moritz thought was some sort of appetence, but for what he did not know. He looked away when Melchior noticed him staring.

“Yeah—With the way Melchior was acting, Moritz knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but Moritz did—Why didn’t you kiss me?”

“What,”

“During the game, why didn’t you kiss me?”

“You were drunk,” Melchior said with a shrug.

“That’s the point of the game. To kiss people while drunk,” Moritz countered.

“I knew it was your first kiss and I didn’t want it to be drunken,” Melchior said. Before Moritz had time to rebuttal. Melchior grabbed his school bag and asked,

“Have you done the homework?” Moritz shook his head and knew the conversation was over. The day passed quietly. Moritz pretended to get caught up on work while sneaking glances at Melchior. Melchior was pretending to be reading a book while glancing at Moritz. Neither of them noticed these glances; if they did they didn’t comment about it.

When Moritz arrived home there was a note on the fridge. It read,

**Moritz,**

**I’m working late and I’m out with friends. Fend for yourself. See you in the morning.**

**Dad**

Moritz threw the note away, grabbed an apple, and ran up to his room. He didn’t finish work at Melchior’s but he didn’t feel like doing it now. He still wasn’t feeling well due to last night's drinking. So he decided to sleep. He curled up in his bed letting thoughts of Melchior fill his head. 

The noise around him was loud. He had to yell to be heard. He looked around the circle at everyone’s smiling faces. They were all buzzing from the alcohol. The bottle was being passed around. Hanschen landed on Martha, who landed on Ilse, who landed on Wendla, who landed on Ernst. It kept going round and round till it was his turn. He spun the bottle watching it go around the circle three times before landing on the person in front of him. He looked up to see Melchior with a smile on his face. He moved to the centre of the circle and Moritz followed. Melchior cupped Moritz's chin with his hands and started to lean in. Time slowed around them. Voices became muffled and minutes became hours. Melchior's breath was on Moritz’s cheek when he heard a loud bang.

Moritz was startled awake. He realized that it was his dad when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Moritz rolled over and pretended to be asleep when he heard his door creak open. Herr Stiefel looked inside then promptly shut the door. Moritz looked at the clock that read 2:00 am. He wanted to go back to sleep but after that dream, he couldn’t. Instead, he spent the rest of the morning staring out his window watching the sky go from black to gold to blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, comments, questions, and criticism are welcome and encouraged.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> Sorry, it's been so long. I have been suffering from some serious writer's block. But hopefully, I'm back. I'm sorry this chapter is on the shorter side. The next one should be longer. I should be posting more regularly. Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy!

Melchior was startled by his alarm. 

“ Another day. Great,” he thought. He stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. While waiting for the water to heat up he couldn’t help but think about his conversation with Moritz yesterday. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just tell Moritz that he had feelings for him. Actually, he did know why. He couldn’t handle the rejection. He knew that Moritz was gay, but how could Moritz possibly like him back? He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a knock on the door. 

“ I’ll be out soon,” he shouted. The knocking ceased and he resumed his shower. 

Melchior was making his way down the street towards Moritz’s house; they always walk to school together. When Melchior went to open the door he noticed that it was locked. That was unusual, Moritz should be waiting for him. Melchior walked around the house and noticed that Moritz’s light was off. He picked up a rock and threw it. It bounced off the glass window and landed with a thud on the grass. He waited a few moments to see if there was any movement inside. When nothing happened he continued his walk to school.

Melchior was worried when he arrived to first period. Moritz always texted if he wasn’t going to be in class. He entered the classroom to see Moritz sitting at his desk talking to Ilse. He started to make his way over when the teacher started class. Instead, he sat at his desk and drowned out the lesson. 

The rest of the day passed in a haze. Melchior hadn’t been able to catch Moritz. Finally, it was lunchtime and he could talk to him. When he arrived in the cafeteria his friends had already declared a table. He was hoping to get his usual seat next to Moritz, but he was already squished between Ernst and Ilse. Instead, Melchior took a seat beside Hanschen. The table was talking about the party. Melchior kept trying to catch Moritz’s eye but he kept turning away. Melchior tuned out of the conversation and instead was watching Moritz. Moritz had gotten up to leave before the bell had rung. Melchior decided to follow him.

“ Hey! Moritz wait,” Melchior shouted. Moritz froze and slowly turned around. Melchior met Moritz at the end of the hallway. 

“ Can we talk?” Melchior asked. 

“ Sorry can’t. I have a class,” Moritz answered, turning to walk away. Melchior grabbed his wrist pulling him back, 

“ skip,” he said simply. Moritz saw determination in his eyes and knew he wasn’t getting out of this. Moritz simply nodded and let Melchior lead him outside to the benches. They sat down and avoided each other's gazes. 

“ Why have you been avoiding me?” Melchior asked. 

“ I haven’t.”

“ Yes you have, Why?”

“ You seemed uncomfortable about yesterday's conversation. I wanted to give you space. I know you’re straight. I didn’t want you to think I was coming on to you or anything,” Moritz answered, looking away. Melchior gave a small smile and responded,   
“ Thank you for the concern but I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was just caught off guard. I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. Ok?” Moritz gave a small nod and looked over at Melchior. 

“ Oh and for the record I’m pan, “ Melchior said, getting up from the bench and heading back into the school. 

Melchior was thoroughly panicking now. He had known he was pan for a while but he hadn’t told anyone, and he didn’t know why he decided to tell Moritz. He was stuck in his thoughts the entire walk home. Normally he and Moritz walk home together, but he wanted to give Moritz time to process everything. When he got home he did his homework and then cleaned his room and the bathrooms. Cleaning had always helped him clear his mind. He was able to put on some music and lose himself in the rhythm of the vacuum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I am open to criticism and would like to improve my writing so please leave a comment. Thank you for reading!


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